‘Cause One is the Loneliest Number

Because breast implants freak me out on every level and because I’m too thin (wow, did I really just write “too thin?” see, cancer is good for your self-esteem) for a TRAM flap–that’s when a plastic surgeon cuts a thick slab’o fat from your caboose (or elsewhere) and slaps it onto your chest –I found myself left with two stellar options: uniboob vs. no boobs.

Let’s talk about the singleton. I know plenty of women do and more power to ’em, but I just can’t image going solo. For starters, the asymmetry¬†would drive me bonkers. A dozen years of non-stop yoga has left me freakishly in-tune with my body. What does that mean? Trust me, it’s not as fun as it sounds. Basically, my brain is constantly calibrating my body’s position, checking to see if things are centered, and gauging whether or not I’m using both sides evenly. (Yes, vacuuming is a bitch.) But before you judge me freakier than I really am, you should know that such hyper-awareness was borne of necessity. It’s my way of micro-managing the aches and pains of scoliosis.

Because my back curves in umpteen different directions, every day is a fruitless search for center. Until last month, my messed-up back was my “thing.” ‘Cause everyone needs to have one sucks-to-be-you health thing, right? Except me. Now I have two. Shit. Well, the point is that my obsession with symmetry means you won’t see me rocking the uniboob.

Oh, and before you talk to me about a prosthesis, keep in mind that handstands are vital to my sense of well being. Think about it. Fake boob. Tiny yoga top. Upside down. It ain’t pretty.

8 Responses

  1. kim says:

    loving your blog voice. and amen to symmetry.

  2. Zak says:

    damn. i was going to grow a unibrow in solidarity.

  3. gena says:

    C: Great blog! If you don’t mind, I’ll link to it on my Web site. It’ll be a great addition.

    One FYI in case other newbies read your blog: I had six weeks of radiation and it was pretty much a cakewalk. No skin damage (even seven years later) or others issues so far. I think I’m pretty typical, but that’s not to say people don’t have problems. Just don’t want to scare off people who are lumpectomy candidates and would require radiation.

    Keep going! We need voices like yours.

    • pinkisnotmycolor says:

      Gena, Thanks for the comment. I hear what you’re saying. I don’t want to scare anyone away from having a lumpectomy with radiation. I think it’s a great option for a lot of women. Trust me, I was tempted. But when the plastic surgeon said my breast would be demolished by the lumpectomy, I was no longer interested.

  4. marissa says:

    girlfriend, you are brave and sassy. i say off with ’em…don’t let anything get in the way of a handstand.

  5. Barb Freda says:

    Uh oh. Now I might have to vacuum with symmetry.

  6. Barb,

    Wouldn’t that require two vacuums?


    Thinking about you as you head into surgery…

  7. Jane Goodman says:

    I love the way you developed yoga as a way to counter the asymmetries of your body. And you have done it so beautifully. I often hear your voice during my morning yoga routine. And I look forward to being able to rejoin the class next fall. (In fact I’m already pleased to know that my schedule does not conflict with the class if it’s still at the same time)